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A first post and an introduction 

here are my writings from everything pre-life changing surgeries.

tmonterisi.wordpress.com

Or if you’d like to know more? and a little as to why I’m here..
Have you heard of a fibroid? 

No, not your thyroid, a fibroid!

It’s a growth on the womb, sometimes they are tiny and grow in little clusters, sometimes to the size of apricots.. often to women of African descent and older ladies. they run in the family too!

not mine, though. and in April 2014 I found myself, a 21 year old Polish Italian Party panther with a fibroid.. I think around 7cm by 5cm at this point. 

I wasn’t a big girl. but I could feel this lump inside of me.. for a while the doctors had been telling me I was pregnant despite the implant in my arm that they trusted so whole heartedly for its contraceptive effectiveness beforehand.. after an ultrasound we just discovered.. a lump.

fast forward a surgery similar to  C-section. I go into hospital with Beth. I put my nightie on way too early laughs laughs I’ll be out soon don’t worry..

I woke up, writhing in recovery.. ‘is it gone?”  the nurses said nothing and I knew.. I screamed for morphine and woke up a little later. nothing had changed.

now if you’ve ever had surgery or been in hospital and experienced how probing and invasive procedures can be. to go through the pain, to take the time off to fill yourself with hope only to have nothing changed? I can’t lie I was doped on the morphine enough not to feel the trauma initially, my friends came to hospital, they touched my pouch where my piss collected from my catheter.. and life went on..

apart from life got worse.. I got worse. I was put on medication that was hormonally fucking me. I’m sure my implant was hormonally fucking me. and my swelling fibroid was definitely hormonally fucking me. I ate pizza and codeine, put on weight and lost my fucking mind, as per, world crumbled into absolute smithereens and I wallowed for a while.

Consultations with doctors happened every now and again, fibroid continued to grow.. beth came with me to my ultrasounds, we made them into day trips to sunny nottingham. It had become more than obvious that the surgeons were as adamant as myself not to have another anti climactic procedure.. and I was going to have to sign away my womb. just in case. but likely, nevertheless.

by this time I was very  alone and life was very hard. my job was tiring and I allowed my massive stomach to eat my esteem up..

I will delve deeper into these times later I am sure. but you just need to know it was bad. it was the worst, and I did not see a way out of my unfortunate and barren life.

but! on September 9th 2o16 I woke up without a fibroid and with a womb!  a whole life I had already signed away and all the doors opened again. 

it still wasn’t great.. I was yet to suffer organ failure and blackouts etc.. but this is not a sob story.  this is a heroic tale, and I just need to say that I was lucky enough to hit a low that nobody else knew how to deal with, again.. (we will get there)

its just.. ive learned shit is gonna hit you you never even had time to smell coming. and what are you going to do until then? 

I’ve spent nearly a year now, doing as much and as little as possible, ticking off the bucket list, abstaining, raving, and being as me as I maybe ever will.

and here is where I will put the great parts! 

look forward to some poems, paintings, recipes, stories, things in general.
tldr: I was sick, fat and sad, grew a big tumour but now I’m healthy. have been living an absolute bomb of a life creating and dancing since.. I’m here to organise those bits.
my link to my pre surgery poems.. tmonterisi.wordpress.com

ONE YEAR SINCE THEY TOOK IT OUT OF ME

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A positive outlook (acrylics and paintmarker on mdf)

this is my last painting of the summer.. my bags were already packed before I begun but.. my need to write pushed me straight into the arms of my procrastinating paintbrush! 

I really have had the summer of my life.. I have been unemployed and homeless/ self employed and travelling since March now.. I have been lonely and bored and sober and alert and focussed and sunkissed and full of ice cream and I feel stronger on my feet than ever before.  

find your priorities, make them work. and don’t feel bad if doing less is top of your list. 

Spoken Poetry audio – in progress

TomatoMan

I’ve had a very relaxed few months, it’s been tricky sometimes to remember how fruitful the events of 2017 have been, when some of my larger creations are back in the UK now. Here is TomatoMan, now living with two of the sweetest people I know.. supportive, strong and grounded friendships.. they carry you a very long way indeed.


Why I write

i create. i create because i have to, because i need to and because i want to.. and I feel it. And although I do not have to justify why, the very notions of my creations tend to ask that very question..

 the original : leave me to draw, to leak from my fingertips, those which cannot be held captive behind the eyes, those which must be cemented into your universe as the ink dries.

and then I got confident.. I wrote some bars.. I don’t know how many because I can’t count them but…

to verses -wu tang

Is it worth the worst that could happen if you leak
 the words that hit the back of your teeth before you speak?
Molten mercury, it runs from follicle to feet, fleeting perjury
parabolical atleast paradoxical and sweet to the tongue but bitter to the air that I’m breathing,
mediocre halitosis verses nobody’s needing, I write them down just to prove they need reading
Freeze gas stops it leaving
 Stops it seeping through the cracks
Ink attacks abstract internal bleeding
Solidifying wild beasts behind these tired eyes into the mind that you’re reading.
Take your time, relax, be kind and rewind,
Coz there is no better ecstasy than exciling the poison from the pit channelled by writing. challenged by rhyming
manage the timin- no
greater ecstasy than being extra  see possesing excess mess i need to set free.
Campaigner for peace enfp briggs meyers,
Level of difficulty it gets higher so I do
So I write paint stay up late procreate in the earliest hours stripping  pain from its powers
..im an algorithmic,alchemistic anachronistic, altruistic, antagonistic..

golden shower?