here are my writings from everything pre-life changing surgeries.
Or if you’d like to know more? and a little as to why I’m here..
Have you heard of a fibroid?
No, not your thyroid, a fibroid!
It’s a growth on the womb, sometimes they are tiny and grow in little clusters, sometimes to the size of apricots.. often to women of African descent and older ladies. they run in the family too!
not mine, though. and in April 2014 I found myself, a 21 year old Polish Italian Party panther with a fibroid.. I think around 7cm by 5cm at this point.
I wasn’t a big girl. but I could feel this lump inside of me.. for a while the doctors had been telling me I was pregnant despite the implant in my arm that they trusted so whole heartedly for its contraceptive effectiveness beforehand.. after an ultrasound we just discovered.. a lump.
fast forward a surgery similar to C-section. I go into hospital with Beth. I put my nightie on way too early laughs laughs I’ll be out soon don’t worry..
I woke up, writhing in recovery.. ‘is it gone?” the nurses said nothing and I knew.. I screamed for morphine and woke up a little later. nothing had changed.
now if you’ve ever had surgery or been in hospital and experienced how probing and invasive procedures can be. to go through the pain, to take the time off to fill yourself with hope only to have nothing changed? I can’t lie I was doped on the morphine enough not to feel the trauma initially, my friends came to hospital, they touched my pouch where my piss collected from my catheter.. and life went on..
apart from life got worse.. I got worse. I was put on medication that was hormonally fucking me. I’m sure my implant was hormonally fucking me. and my swelling fibroid was definitely hormonally fucking me. I ate pizza and codeine, put on weight and lost my fucking mind, as per, world crumbled into absolute smithereens and I wallowed for a while.
Consultations with doctors happened every now and again, fibroid continued to grow.. beth came with me to my ultrasounds, we made them into day trips to sunny nottingham. It had become more than obvious that the surgeons were as adamant as myself not to have another anti climactic procedure.. and I was going to have to sign away my womb. just in case. but likely, nevertheless.
by this time I was very alone and life was very hard. my job was tiring and I allowed my massive stomach to eat my esteem up..
I will delve deeper into these times later I am sure. but you just need to know it was bad. it was the worst, and I did not see a way out of my unfortunate and barren life.
but! on September 9th 2o16 I woke up without a fibroid and with a womb! a whole life I had already signed away and all the doors opened again.
it still wasn’t great.. I was yet to suffer organ failure and blackouts etc.. but this is not a sob story. this is a heroic tale, and I just need to say that I was lucky enough to hit a low that nobody else knew how to deal with, again.. (we will get there)
its just.. ive learned shit is gonna hit you you never even had time to smell coming. and what are you going to do until then?
I’ve spent nearly a year now, doing as much and as little as possible, ticking off the bucket list, abstaining, raving, and being as me as I maybe ever will.
and here is where I will put the great parts!
look forward to some poems, paintings, recipes, stories, things in general.
tldr: I was sick, fat and sad, grew a big tumour but now I’m healthy. have been living an absolute bomb of a life creating and dancing since.. I’m here to organise those bits.
my link to my pre surgery poems.. tmonterisi.wordpress.com
ONE YEAR SINCE THEY TOOK IT OUT OF ME